The Teapot Massacre
by xSoliloquy
Summary: First in the Intervention Series of One-Shots. Everyone’s addicted to something… throw in a Duo who is bored and likes to play pranks. You therefore have a problem.


**A/N**: This is just a crack fic I thought up. It's got a loose plot that will take you no where, but hopefully make you laugh as this story is intended to. Be sure to leave me a review to let me know how well you enjoyed this story!

This story will have a one-shot for each pilot, so look out for the next additions! (Which will be posted separately as they can each stand on their own)

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**Summary**: Everyone's addicted to something… throw in a Duo who is bored and likes to play pranks. You therefore have a problem.

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The Teapot Massacre

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Duo stared at the blonde Arabian sitting across from him at the kitchen table. To a casual observer it would seem that there was nothing wrong with this picture, simply two friends sitting down and enjoying a quiet refreshment in the afternoon. To one braided American, however, there was a major issue to be dealt with immediately. One that would take all of his cunning and patience plus the aid of the other three Gundam pilots who were currently MIA.

What is this problem that Duo finds himself faced with, you may wonder? It was really quiet clear- Tea.

No, you didn't misread that. Duo had an epiphany, the blonde pilot that everyone knew and loved had an unhealthy addiction, and the violet-eyed pilot that got on everyone's nerve was determined to _help_ him get over it.

The seemingly innocent cup was refilled once more by the unsuspecting Sandrock pilot, who went about his normal activities of sipping from said cup and reading the morning news paper, completely oblivious to the brunette schemer that was currently drawing up a plan of action.

The foreboding in the air nearly choked Wufei as he walked through the door to the home that all five pilots shared. Ignoring his gut feeling that something was _very_ wrong, the Chinese man made his way to the kitchen. Similarly, a shiver went down his spine when he walked into said room and found it occupied by two silent people; Quatre, which wasn't a surprise since the blonde practically lived in this room, and Duo. It was the latter that had caused such a reaction in Wufei; after all, when have the words Silent and Duo ever been put into the same sentence without some measure of deviousness tagged to it?

Starting to feel uneasy, Wufei watched as Quatre politely excused himself from their presence and made his way up the stairs to presumably his room, teacup in hand. It was then that the worst thing, to the raven haired pilot at least, happened. Duo turned his complete attention on him.

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Walking into the kitchen, Trowa and Heero paused in surprise to find Wufei sitting in a chair muttering darkly to himself and Duo standing near the stove with a concentrated look on his face. There was something odd going on, no doubt.

"Don't know why I ever…. It was just one time… who would've imagined?.... Stupid Americans and their stupid ideas… damn damn damn…." Was about all the two new arrivers were able to catch from the Chinese man's mumbling. His incoherency should've warned them of the looming danger of being in the kitchen for too long, but they either ignored their suspicions or didn't feel the heavy air that spelled out their imminent doom.

"AHA!" The previously silent Duo shouted, making Trowa and Heero raise eyebrows in response as Wufei jumped and let out what sounded like a shriek before he reeled the sound back in. As Duo turned to say something to what was now his accomplice, he noticed the presence of the two other brunette pilots finally. With a large grin that looked not a little bit scary to Wufei, the braided pilot moved closer to the Heavyarms and Wing Zero pilots. "Where've you guys _been_? Wu and I have been waiting two hours for you two to show up! Doesn't matter, anyway, I've got a plan to help Qu!"

"Help.. Quatre…?" Trowa asked in confusion, his frown deepening as he crossed his arms around his chest and started to feel uneasy.

"Help him with what?" Heero asked, knowing there was something _very_,_ very_ wrong going on here.

"Welll…" The pilot of Deathscythe began with a smirk before dropping the bomb on the two who now wished they hadn't asked. They immediately felt sympathy for Wufei.

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"This isn't even sane." Trowa muttered from his seat at the kitchen table, where everyone except Quatre were seated. The blonde hadn't shown up yet but was expected at any moment since it was nearly time to prepare dinner for the house.

"When has the idiot ever done something that _was_?" Heero said with an eye roll, ignoring the glare that Duo shot at him. Wufei was still mumbling to himself and had yet to form a coherent sentence, but Duo wasn't the least bit worried about such small set backs. As long as he had the other two his plan would be fine.

"That's completely beside the point, don't go blowing the plan just because you're ass-kissers. We have a situation here," Duo continued despite the twin death glares that were zeroed in on him, "and we are the only ones who can help. It's our duty as friends to see Qu past this troubling time!"

"It's also our duty as friends to keep him as far away from your insanity as possible, but unfortunately a nutcase like you can't be contained for any real length of time." Heero snorted as Duo sputtered in indignation. Trowa sighed in resignation, knowing there would be no getting past this situation safely. He turned his gaze to their still silent friend, noting with some concern that he was now rocking back and forth slowly in his seat, staring at the wall as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

"…What are you all doing sitting in here?" Quatre asked. Everyone immediately turned their gaze to the blonde, with the exception of the now catatonic Wufei. Duo sighed dramatically and stood, throwing an arm over their recently arrived partner with a mock-serious expression on his face.

"Quatre… this is…" The brunette started in a hesitant tone, pausing for effect. "an intervention."

"A… _what_?" The surprise in his tone didn't even begin to cover how the blonde was currently feeling. He'd never in his life touched drugs or alcohol, nor anything else that could call for something so serious. What was going on?

"We- Heero, Trowa, Wufei and I- have decided that we can no longer suffer the situation at hand in silence. We've decided that something must be done about your unhealthy addiction!"

"Trowa?" Quatre asked timidly, a bit frightened of the braided pilot. The green-eyed pilot looked back at him apologetically. He, just like the other two currently seated at the table, couldn't do anything to stop this from happening. They were all being… _blackmailed_.

"Hn. The idiot," Heero paused when Duo looked at him threateningly, "and I, believe you have an addiction to tea."

Quatre froze. Not sure whether to be amused or enraged, he settled for the former and took the situation as a joke with a nervous chuckle. The arm that was around his neck slipped off and Duo made his way to the stove, pointing at the tea pot.

"You shall never again suffer from its evil clutches." The braided man said with fervor, glaring at said object.

"Duo, it's a teapot." The Sandrock pilot said rationally, "Tea is not unhealthy nor is it addictive, what's gotten into you?"

"You're delusional from its lies!" Duo accused, swiveling his finger around to jab it at Quatre. "NO MORE! It will receive the Shinigami's full wrath for what it has done to you! NO ONE messes with MY friends and gets away with it!"

Wufei started laughing hysterically, Trowa suddenly took action and dove toward Quatre to shield him from the danger while Heero simply sat and stared at his insane partner. Then the shit hit the fan and Duo pressed the button hidden inside his pocket. The teapot exploded.

Quatre screamed, Wufei fell backwards in his chair, Duo was flung into the wall behind him, Trowa received a bloody lip from hitting the linoleum in his dive, and Heero sighed. Cold tea that had been left inside the pot to steep by Quatre flew everywhere and sprayed everyone.

Duo stood and dusted himself off, Wufei regained his senses and glared at the American idiot, Trowa and Quatre peeled themselves off of the floor and Heero wiped the cold liquid off of his face.

Standing up, the Japanese man stalked toward his braided partner who pressed himself against the wall he had been leaning against, looking as if he'd like to disappear.

"Are you done now?" The blue-eyed man asked with a deadly calm tone. When Duo managed to squeak out a weak 'yes' he continued, "Then I want you to clean every drop of tea from this kitchen, _including_ the ceiling. The four of us are going out to eat while you're doing so and it had better be done before we return, got it?"

Duo bit his lip to hold back the protest waiting to be released and nodded mutely.

"Good." The four wet friends began to exit the kitchen before Duo then decided he didn't want to be subjected to starvation without some sort of retaliation. This, therefore, was not good for his three _blackmailed accomplices_.

"Hey Wufei!" Said person froze mid-step and nervously turned his head to look at the offender of his dignity. "Don't worry about the picture of you and Zechs together at the DRAG party, I'll burn it after I'm done cleaning."

Wufei promptly fainted while the other three stared at the speaker of his torment, who apparently was yet to be finished with his evilness.

"And Heero, I'm saving the tape of you singing "Barbie Girl" for future black mail purposes, so be _very_ afraid."

Heero groaned when the blonde and green-eyed pilots turned startled and highly amused glances at him. A minute passed before the three turned their attention to Duo once more.

"Well? Aren't you going to tell us what Trowa was being blackmailed with?" Quatre asked in interest, glancing at said person who looked a bit frightened.

"Oh, that." Duo scratched the back of his head with a sheepish chuckle. "I never actually had anything on him, just made him think I did."

"You mean to tell me you _didn't_ find the picture I lost of me and my rubber ducky?" Trowa asked in a emotionless tone before what he'd said hit him. Freezing, a look of horrified shock settled over his features as his two sane companions turned to him with surprise.

Duo began laughing his ass off while the other two started questioning the ducky-owner.

"At least one good thing came from this intervention- I got emotion out of Trowa and forced him to admit he plays with a rubber ducky." The violet-eyed pilot muttered between laughs. Trowa turned crimson and promptly left the room, the other two tagging along behind him with chuckles.

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A/N: Don't ask me where I got this idea from, I honestly have no idea. It just hit me, though I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. Please let me know how you liked it, or how I could improve it. Humor stories aren't my strong suit and I'm hoping that by writing a few one-shots I can improve upon that trait, so help is appreciated!

Thanks for reading and as always, review!


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